IN LOSS, THERE'S SOMETHING GAINED:
Duo helps families cope with death

November 9, 2004

The Salem News and The Gloucester Times

By Diane Nolan
Correspondent

BEVERLY — Death can be unexpected and sometimes we are unprepared, but two North Shore women devoted to helping others have created a system that will help us understand more about what to do when our lives are jolted.

When Linda Crawford's son Zachary died in 1993 from a rare form of cancer — rhabdoid tumor — the Beverly mother had trouble explaining the loss to her 3-year-old son Matthew. After having trouble finding resources to help her communicate, she realized that other people were likely having the same problem.

Soon after her son died, Crawford began helping the Dana Farber Cancer Institute create a bereavement library and outreach center.

She then created a package that contained information and tools to help people who had recently experienced a death or serious illness close to them. Then, Crawford met Cindy Clark, a certified child-life specialist with a bachelor's degree in art therapy who has led grief support groups for over eight years.

"I wanted to be able to make her ideas bigger and better," said Clark, who will receive her master's degree in social work this spring. "I just asked her, 'Would you like to be able to make this available to more people?'"

Crawford, who met Clark in 2002, said, "my big wish is to be able to provide every grieving child, or mother, or sibling ... with one of our kits." With Crawford able to provide firsthand advice from her own experience with grieving and Clark's clinical expertise, the duo began working on selecting the most helpful components to include in their kits.

Each of the kits contains an educational component, a "comfort” or distraction" piece like a teddy bear or a stress ball. They also contain some type of memory holder and a portion for art therapy. Each of these components was selected by utilizing Clark's 11 years of experience with children and families, coupled with Crawford's experience as a mother.

There are a number of different kits that were created and adapted for a variety of people from toddler to adult. In addition, kits are also available for people dealing with serious illness, the loss of a pet, a family member away at war. Make-your-own kits are also an option.

Hoping Skills Co. LLC was launched in February 2003. The business provides sympathy gifts/bereavement kits, known as the "Tomauro kits" named after Crawford's son Zachary Mauro Crawford. The kits were offered locally before expanding onto the Web in May 2003.

In addition to sales from its Web site, the company also provides kits to hospitals, funeral homes, and support groups around the United States and Canada.

Clark said that although the two would like to be able to donate enough kits for hospitals, it just isn't feasible.

"Hospitals love us, but it comes down to money," said Clark. "We are exploring ways to help people get grants for the kits. We hope to reach out across the world."

Crawford said that even though she does want to be able to make a living through her business, profit is not her main concern.

"I want to provide meaningful help for people who may not know where to turn," said Crawford.

Hoping Skills also offers counseling services, workshops and seminars for hospitals, funeral homes and private homes. Crawford and Clark are the only employees, though Crawford said they plan to add at least one more person in the next few months.

Crawford sent two kits to Becky Roy of Beverly this summer for her children after Roy's mother died. Roy said the kit seemed to really help her 6-year-old daughter.

"(The kit) helped her understand everything," said Roy.

Roy's daughter asked her about a picture of a burial from the coloring book provided in the kit."It helped me answer her questions when she asked because it's not a typical discussion topic," said Roy.

Clark wrote two booklets that are included in the kits to help parents learn their role in helping their children understand what is going on.

One of the booklets is designed to help children better understand death and the process that follows. This booklet and questions asked by her daughter helped Roy decide to include her daughter in the funeral.

"It is important for parents to include children as best they can," said Crawford. "It is important to take care of yourself as well. You don't have to go through it alone ... there is help available." Roy, said, "You do make a choice, especially with young children, about what they will take part in. I may not have brought (my daughter) to the funeral if she hadn't asked me questions about what was going to happen. It made things a lot easier."

Crawford said that sometimes children are the ones to provide hope to the adults.

"Sometimes adults think so hard to try to decide how to best protect children when really sometimes it is best to empower children," said Crawford. "These are booklets that I wish I had 11 years ago."

Roy said that the kit also allowed her daughter to feel included in what was going on while the family was busy taking care of other things.

"It gave her something to do while we were all still in a state of shock ... and it was still on topic," Roy said.

Because the grieving period is different for everyone, and can last an extended period of time, Clark said that sending a kit is always helpful.

"It's never too late," said Clark.