Volume 1

Welcome to your first Hoping Skills Company newsletter!

Hello,

You'll find that our newsletter will give you the information you are looking for about coping with serious illness, grief and loss.

At Hoping Skills Company we strive to reach every grieving child and adult to assist them through the journey of grief. It is our hope that these newsletters will help connect professionals who work in bereavement programs to other professionals working in the field of grief and bereavement. By sharing ideas, resources and stories we believe that we can best support grieving children and families.

Whether you are looking for information about supporting children and teenagers facing the challenges associated with illness, grief or loss or you are just looking for additional information about how to memorialize and honor a loved one or friend this newsletter is for you.

Memorializing in a Bereavement Group

Helping children document memories is an important task for all ages. Although it is never too late to memorialize someone who has died, it's important to keep in mind that young children have a limited capacity for recalling memories and often a limited interest. The more adults are able to document before someone dies or immediately after someone dies, the deeper the connection a child will have to his memories and the more he can participate in reacalling the past.

I learned about this process first hand many years ago when I was running a sibling's bereavement support group at a children's hospital in Connecticut. The children had chosen to document their stories about the death of their sibling and compile them for a special memory book for our annual memorial service.

As with all of our group activities, processing thoughts and feelings were always part of the therapeutic process. With two group leaders (child life specialists) and several volunteers (usually child life specialists or recreation therapy students) there was always a great deal of support. This allowed opportunities for children to have the one-to-one support that is so desperately needed in a children's bereavement support group.

Our Memory Book

I can still recall the many layers of this memory book. What seemed like a simple, relatively quick activity ended up providing us with several opportunities for many different types of activities leading up to the memorial service.

Sharing Memories

The children were always eager to share what they remembered about their family, their brother or sister who died, and their experiences. I often noticed that the children appeared to be empowered any time they were able to recall a memory that included their deceased sibling. One day the children were eager to share certain memories about the day they found out their brother or sister had died.

The children were always sharing memories with the group leaders and each other. Favorite memories about meal times, vacations and playing with Legos, balanced out the memories they shared about getting on each other's nerves, fighting and even a sibling's decline in health. Afterall, these were all a part of their stories. A part of their memories imbedded in their brains forever, or so I thought.

What If I Can't Remember?

Recalling the day a sibling died was not an unusual activity for our group. Sometimes the children spent a great deal of time re-enacting what it was like when their brother or sister was sick, when they died or what it is like at home without their sibling. Drawing, comparing, painting, playing, these were all a part of a typical group meeting.

Although it was never unusual that some of our youngsters took longer to start an activity than others, this particular night I can recall two children who each had very different reactions to this activity. As the older children busily worked on their stories and pictures I can still vividly remember one youngster rolling around on the floor. Eventually I can remember that he settled under a large chair, hiding from the rest of the group. Simultaneously, another youngster sat at the table with his head in his hands.

At first glance it seemed like one child just simply had more energy than the other. After several minutes and observing these types of behaviors, it was clear that each child needed some one-to-one time. After processing with each child and conversing with the other group leader, I learned that each child (both around six years old) could not recall the day that their sibling had died. One child's sibling had died almost 2 years prior and the other child's sibling had died only months before. It was so sad to see these children struggle to find these memories. In addition, it was even more disheartening to think that we created an additional loss for these children through our activity.

Now What Do We Do?

In attempt to recover the "therapeutic-ness" of our group activity, we were able to help each child recall as much as they wanted for their memory book. One child's fellow sibling helped to piece together memories, while I helped the other distraught child with his. Since I happened to be supporting both families the day each child had died I was also able to dispel any myths about each day and reassure them that the doctors and nurses had done everything possible to help their sibling.

Of course we were able to use this situation as part of our group processing. Not only did this lead to a very therapeutic group discussion, it also gave us an opportunity to help the children understand that they did not cause the death of their sibling and that every possible medical intervention was taken to try to save their sibling from dying.

Cindy Clark, MSW, CCLS

Why Start a Bereavement Support Group?

It is so important to normalize the grief process for children by providing them with opportunities to be with other children who are grieving. Grouping together similar ages or similar types of losses can help children understand that they are not alone. Grief groups are usually the most beneficial to children ages 3 and up. Keep in mind, the younger the children in your bereavement group, the more helpers you will need to keep them occupied and assist with activities.

What Kinds of Activities Should I Use?

Most activities can be adapted to children of all ages as long as you are able to modify the types of supplies you use and your expectations of your anticipated outcome. Be creative and experiment with activities by planning several activities with the similar themes. This way you will hopefully be able to accomplish your goal.

What if My Activity Doesn't Work?

Always be prepared to have a back-up plan that includes free play. Puppets, bubbles, Little People figurines, dinosaurs, first responder toys, doctor equipment and playing outdoors are all great alternatives when young children are not in the mood for the grief activity you may have planned. No matter what activity you end up doing, your creativity and support can help children recognize common feelings and behaviors associated with grief. Below are the top 10 things my former colleague Mary Welker, CCLS and I learned from running grief groups for bereaved siblings.

Top 10 Things We Learned Running a Bereavement Group for Children Who Experienced the Death of a Sibling

There is no time frame for grief. Children should be able to attend a group for as long as they feel they need to.
Always have a back-up activity planned. Many factors affect whether or not an activity will work.
Let the children be as creative as possible and allow them opportunities to use their imaginations. The most effective groups seem to be the ones when the children can actually help each other through the grief process. Do not "script" your group. Learn to let go and sometimes let the children take over.
Offer parents the opportunity to attend a simultaneous support group specific for their needs. Parents may be hesitant to leave their child. Allow for 5-10 minutes the first time a parent drops off their child to help them get adjusted during free play before group. You may want to occasionally conduct a family group activity where parents can participate with their children.
The use of a transitional object provides a sense of security and comfort for the children. Have a consistent object or stuffed animal available for each child at each group.
Everyone experiences the stages of grief at a different level. Introduce the many facets of the grief process with art, play and discussion. Acknowledge the differences you may observe and validate these feelings, behaviors, emotional and physical responses to grief.
Experiment with variety! Try painting, puppet shows, writing and making videos.
Establish an open line of communication with parents. Find out how children are dealing with their grief at home and at school and encourage children to talk with their parents about group. Good communication helps educate parents about typical childhood grief and keeps them involved in his/her child's griefprocess.
Take pictures of children in group often. Allow them to decorate these pictures and take them home. You may even want to gather pictures to create a scrap book to memorialize their participation in group. Keep in mind that many young children will have a difficult time recalling group activities and group friends as time goes on.
Remember, it is about the process, not the outcome. The most profound groups are often a result from personalized activities that tailor to the talents and moods of the children in your group. Find out what works best for your group, experiment and have fun!

Adopted from: Clark/Welker, Connecticut Children's Medical Center. ACCH Conference, Long Beach, CA., 1999.

Suggested Resources for Children Who Have Experienced the Death of a Sibling

Books For Adults

Abbott, Susan Shibley. Lessons

For any parent who has lost a child to a terminal illness.

Bernstein, Judith. When the Bough Breaks: Forever After the Death of a Son or

DaughterA sensitive exploration through the concept that parents don't recover from the loss of a child, they adapt. Offers ways to re-build your life.

Finkbeiner, Ann. After the Death of a Child: Living with Loss through the

Years

A comforting book that examines the continuing love a parent feels for their child and ways to preserve that bond even after death.

Fumia, Molly. Living Through the Grief of Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant

Death

Author chronicles the death of her son, while embracing the emotional journey of grief and healing.

Housden, Maria. Hannah's Gift

A heartwarming and detailed account of a mother's grief. This is a beautifully written story about the impact that three year old Hannah's life and death has had and continues to have on a family and community that had to deal with a child's terminal cancer. A sensitive, realistic and descriptive book that describes the pain and suffering of death, dying and grief. Through one mother's journey, the reader will discover a newfound view of spirituality, truth, humor, hope and the special gifts of life and death.

Maurer, Linda. Standing Beside You- A Book for Bereaved Parent

Hope and encouragement for the future. Deals with death of an only child.

McCracken & Semel. A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies

A collection of writings exploring the death of a child, including works from Wm. Shakespeare, Albert Camus, and Raymond Carver.

Mehren, Elizabeth. After the Darkest Hour, the Sun Will Shine Again

A bereaved mother tells her story and the story of others. Describes grief as a transforming journey.

Rosof, Barbara. The Worst Loss: How families heal from the death of a child

A practical book by a child psychotherapist who has worked with several bereaved families.

Schiff, Harriet. The Bereaved Parent

A classic book written by a bereaved mother for parents whose child has died and for all who want to help them.

Wiitala, Geri. Heather's Return: The Amazing Story of a Child's

Communications from Beyond the Grave A sincere search for meaning

after the loss of a child. Deals with religious questioning and the power of

coincidence after the author's daughter dies from a cancer-related infection.

Wolfelt, Alan. Healing a Parent's Grieving Heart- 100 Practical Ideas

Compassionate advice and simple activities to help parents understand and reconcile their grief.

Books for Children

Greene, Constance. Beat the Turtle Drum

A thirteen year-old deals with the death of her sister.

Gryte, Marilyn. No New Baby

For siblings who have a baby die before birth. Ages 4-8 years.

Johnson, Joy & Marv. Where's Jess?

A short, simple story to help children ages 2-5 years cope with infant sibling loss.

Rothman, Juliet. A Birthday Present for Daniel

A young girl seeks to understand and validate her feelings after her brother dies.

Sims, Alicia. Am I still A Sister?

An 11 year-old girl tells the story about her brother who died from brain cancer.

Temes, Roberta. The Empty Place

A third grader's sister dies of a serious illness and bonds with his babysitter whose

brother died in an accident. For ages: 7-12 years.

Turner, Barbara. A Little Bit of Rob

A heart-warming story about a girl's brother who died. Deals with children trying

to keep their grief-related feelings from their parents. Ages 5-9 years.

Yeomans, Ellen. Lost and Found

A young girl searches for comfort and meaning after her sister dies.

Additional Resources

A Place to Remember

1-800-631-0973 http://www.aplacetoremember.com
Supportive materials and resources for those who have been touched by a crisis in pregnancy or the death of a baby.

BabySteps 905-707-1030 http://www.babysteps.com

Not for profit organization dedicated to supporting bereaved families and raising funds for research into childhood illnesses and treatments. Helpful resources. Toronto, Canada.

Bereavement Magazine 1-888-60-4HOPE http://www.bereavementmag.com

Support network in print six times each year.

Bereaved Parents http://www.bereavedparents.com

Forum, chatroom and helpful information and poems for bereaved parents. Started as a support network by the parents of a son that died at the age of three years from a diaphragmatic hernia.

Beyond Indigo http://www.death-dying.com

One of the web's leading sources of information on grief, grieving, death and dying. Grief support, products and services for individuals and companies who assist people who are grieving.

Camp Heaven http://maxhaynes.com/pages/CAMPHEAVEN.html

Wonderfully well-done site that can help ill children or siblings through the transition from life to death. In a child-friendly, non-threatening, and comforting manner children can playfully explore a journey through Heaven.

Chai Lifeline 1-877-CHAI-LIFE http://www.chailifeline.org

An extensive network of free programs and services designed to help every member of the family cope during this time of crisis. Counseling centers in NY and regional offices around the country and in London and Israel. Especially servicing the Jewish community.

Compassionate Friends 1-877-969-0010 http://www.compassionatefriends.org

               Nonprofit, self-help support organization that offers friendship and

               understanding to bereaved parents,  grandparents and siblings. There is no

               religious affiliation and there are no membership dues or fees. Local chapters

               around the USA and Canada. Online forum/newsletter and annual conferences.

Emily's Rhabdoid Page. http://home.eol.ca/~sylvest/emily/emily_home.html

Memorial page dedicated to a three year old who died with a Rhabdoid brain tumor. Very good links.

The Front Porch 770-730-5858 http://www.thefrontporch.org

Support for grieving families in the Atlanta area. Grief resources and links.

GriefNet www.griefnet.org

An internet community of persons dealing with grief, death, and major loss. Their companion site, KIDSAID provides a safe environment for kids and their parents to find information and ask questions.

Grief Warehouse http://www.griefwarehouse.org

Non-profit warehouse of information for parentswho are coping with the death of their child. A wonderfully compassionate website dedicated to education and support for bereaved families.

Hoping Skills Company, LLC www.HopingSkillsCo.com 1-888-815-HOPE

Meaningful products and compassionate services that guide inner strength and encourage self-expression. Exclusive grief-related products and services designed by a bereaved mother and child life specialist. Available resources that include; serious illness and grief-related links and bibliographies.

Kota Press 206-251-6706 http://www.kotapress.com/FrameLoss.htm

Sensitive, yet comprehensive online loss journals, art, poetry and links for bereaved parents.

Living with Loss Foundation 719-573 4673

                http://www.livingwithloss.org/index.htm

Grief resources for many non-funded community support groups (e.g. hospice and hospital bereavement services, funeral home aftercare services, bereavement care through churches, local support groups and emergency grief support services) on a need basis at no cost through the help of donations.

ShareGrief
                http://www.sharegrief.com

                Free online assitance from professional grief counselors who offer helpful

                information, support and resources.

This newsletter is written and distributed by Hoping Skills Company, LLC.

Copyright © 2005, Hoping Skills Company, LLC.

Coming Soon!

- New column: A Parent's Perspective

- Community Outreach Suggestions

- Discounts and Special Offers

- Art and Play Activities

- Great Funding Ideas

- Spotlight on a Bereavement Program in Every New Issue

Please feel free to pass along our newsletters to anyone who may have interest in our resources, memorializing or the grief process!

Issue: 1

In This Issue

Memorializing in a Bereavement Support Group

Starting a Bereavement Support Group

Lessons Learned

Sibling Loss Bereavment Group Resources

Preserving Memories

Memorializing

Throughout our lifetime we will gather many different memories, some are easier to remember than others. Most people agree however, that is never too early to begin documenting memories. That is why we have baby books, photo albums and a booming business for all those who enjoy scrap-booking!

After someone dies it may be difficult to gather and document memories. Some people find memory making difficult because it may evoke their grief, while others find this process therapeutic and healing.

The majority of children enjoy making memories both before and after someone has died. Their ability to document memories and personalize their experiences often has a dual purpose; to make meaning of relationships and to honor special people or important events in their lives.

Death of a Sibling Support Group Resources

The purpose of this type of group is to provide emotional support to children who have experienced the death of a brother or sister and provide opportunities that encourage the safe expression of feelings in a children helping children environment.

Some great manuals and training programs include;

The Art of Healing Childhood Grief:

A School Based Expressive Arts Program

Penelope Simpson Adams and Anne Black

Children Who Grieve- A Manual for Conducting Support Groups

Roberta Beckmann

Adventures in the Land of Grief- A 9 Week Children's Bereavement Group Curriculum

Steve Dawson and Laura Harris

The Dougy Center for Grieving Children Volunteer Facilitator Training Instructions Manual

The Dougy Center, Portland, Oregon

Growing Through Grief- A K-12 Curriculum to Help Young People through All Kinds of Loss

Donna O'Toole

At the end of this newsletter you will find additional resources to help children who have experienced the loss of a sibling.

Ideas for Memorializing

∙ Plant a tree, shrub or flowers as a living symbol to honor the life of your loved one.

∙ Write a message to your loved one who has died. Each night, light a candle and remember your loved one while placing your message in a special box.

∙ Create a special memorial area in your home that helps you remember the person who died. Include some of their favorite things or special mementos from the time you spent together.

∙ Join an online forum to share with others who have experienced a similar loss.

∙ Dedicate a favorite place of your loved one with a specially engraved bench or stone. Celebrate your loved one's life simply by visiting or by having a picnic at this place with others.

Don't forget, at Hoping Skills Company we customize sympathy gifts.

Whether you need a gift basket for an entire family or a unique gift for a child or adult, we can help you find the perfect gift for someone you care about.

1-888-815-HOPE

www.griefgifts.com

No matter how old you are, collecting and preserving memories can be a very rewarding experience.

Often after someone dies you hear people say, "I wish we had taken more pictures". Other times people struggle to remember a favorite saying or favorite recipe.

Remember, it's never too early or too late to memorialize someone.

After someone dies, memorializing can be an important part of the grief process for those left behind.

Go to: www.GriefGifts.com

for memorializing gift ideas.

Legacy Journals for Collecting & Preserving Family Memories

1. To Our Children's Children: Journal of Family Memories Green, Bob & Fulford, D.G.

2. The Book of Myself: A Do-It-Yourself Autobiography in 201 Questions Marshall & Marshall

3. Grandmother Remembers: A Written Heirloom for My Grandchild Levy, Judith

4. Grandfather Remembers: A Written Heirloom for My Grandchild Levy, Judith

5. A Father's Journal: Memories for My Child Kitchen, Susan

6. For My Child: A Mother's Keepsake Kranz, Linda

7. Book of Us- The Journal of Your Love Story in 150 Questions Marshall & Marshall

8. The Story of a Lifetime: A Keepsake of Personal Memoirs Pavuk & Pavuk

9. Something to Remember Me By- A story about love and legacy Bosak, Susan V.

10. A Guide to Recalling and Retelling Your Life Story Hospice Foundation of America